Celebrating early for D’s birthday: out and about in the city
Every miscarriage comes with its own story. I would imagine that each is painful for distinct reasons. For some people, it is one of many miscarriages, and indication of a more severe medical condition. For some, it is equivalent of failure and shame. For some, it is a test of faith. For some, it is loss of the growing creature that has been the only hope of keeping two adults together.
Many folks (in Mexico, particularly) had been giving us grief for years about not popping out more children — D is almost 4 years old, after all! Our response had always been the same: we would wait until this Güera finished her university degree, and until all 3 of us were in the U.S. and with more financial stability.
So overall, within the past several months, the timing had been right for us to have another child. It was a lot to think about, since there would be many differences between my pregnancy with D and this one. But it just happened that our little one, who would grow into our second child, was not developing correctly. As far as we know, there was not much else of an explanation for how it occurred except that the timing, apparently, was just not right… not yet.
But amongst the sadness we felt, there was no anger, no blame. On the contrary, there was an increasingly intense appreciation for all that
we currently have. We were still early in the pregnancy, so our attachment was not as great as if we were to have seen it through more development. Comparatively to others I know, there was little physical pain, and minimal emotional pain.
We were able to explain everything to D, who was initially very upset about the loss of our to-be family member. We kept the science of it simple, and gave a Christian view of the event that was comforting to him. He asked questions, and we answered them. And it is partly because of this loss that he has already begun to comprehend the way the world works, and approach life with a positive outlook.
It has been less than 3 weeks since we discovered that there would be complications. Since that time, I start to cry whenever I have to talk about it. But there have been bits of silver lining that dry my tears, and I have prayed more and more just for the sake of giving thanks.
As much as we wanted another child now, we have been able to step back and see that we are so fortunate in general. My spouse has been with me to comfort me and let me know that we will be okay, and that there is still hope for more children in the future. We have a tremendous group of friends and family who have been marvelous inspiration to us to keep our chins up. And more than anyone else, our son D has been a more brilliant light to us than we could ever have imagined. Not everyone is so lucky.
It’s difficult to describe all the details without you knowing us personally, but in essence, this loss has brought us even closer together, giving us a different perspective and greater appreciation for our blessings in life. Some people would respond that it is better to not announce the joy of pregnancy before knowing that everything is going smoothly; I would argue that I will always want to share our joys with others, and likewise I will summon up as much grace as possible to share our falls. I hope to use this experience as a way to further understand the sentiments of others and gain the ability to reach out.